Sunday, 6 February 2011

5 Reasons a European Bison is Better than a Nintendo DS

well i did this for a job interview, which sadly i didn't get, a little gutted, but the world still turns and I still possess a full set of limbs so its not all bad. I blame much of my failure on the room in which I had the pleasure of having my interview which was not unlike the natural history museum, only a little less organised, a large room littered with stuffed badgers, bones, logs, excessive amounts of wasps nests, skulls and other miraculous curios, alas this may of been the crux of my down fall but man that badger was fucking sweet!

Ok Ok! this is the less child friendly version (obviously)
5 Reasons a European Bison is Better than a Nintendo DS

1. A Bison is More Useful around the Home.
Bison's are bloody huge, in fact they are the largest land based (terrestrial) mammal in Europe, these guys are huge, and are strong as hell! And they have MASSIVE horns, usually they use them for ramming each other  at the bar whilst making quips abbout one anothers maternal figures, these features make them brilliant around the house, they can carry your shopping, help nan put away the shopping and make fantastic door stops!

2. Bison Don't Run out of batteries
No more will you have to make the mad dash for the nearest power outlet ripping out the tv power cord from its electrical abode causeing hysteria throughout the household, you wont even need to spend hours hunting the illusive power cord. Bisons dont need any of that shiz, they run on more obtainable fuel that they find in their woodland abodes, preferring a diet of leaves, moss, and when times are hard will even settle for a cheeky gob full of bark, in fact they'll eat any old shit they find laying around, unless it has a face (unlike the Japanese)

3. Bison Love to Go on walks
Man they walk all over the place looking for food and love nothing more than bombing about the woodland in doing so, infact they get really pissed if you construct some form of barrier in their way, they hate that crap! Luckily because Bison love roaming around in groups, they'll even take you too!, it will EVEN carry you if you ask really nicely (they are a stickler for good manners!... A DS doesn't do any of these things, you just sit there and balloon in weight as you shovel in all those doritto's as you level up your Charizard, and when you need to go some where you have to CARRY IT!

4.A Bison Will Keep you Warm in Winter
I'd Like to see a DS do that! In Winter the European Bison Grows uncomfortable amounts of hair which is warmer than the inside of a microwave, they radiate heat! You know when it snowed so much the whole of England stopped for a week? The bison were all like 'Dude did someone leave the door open?'
'But what happens when it gets hot?' i hear you say? well they even have that covered, they shed their winter coats, meaning they are all ready for the beach as soon as the sn comes out... and the left over fur? its perfect for making high quality hair pieces!
5. Bison are Uber Rare, some people haven't even heard of the things, and get them all confused with normal cows and stuff, meaning that if you have a Bison your are roughly a billion times cooler than a DS user.
Like 80 years ago there were no bison in the wild, zilch, zero, nada they got hunted because they make the coolest hats, people cut down their houses and deer ate all their deer (greedy cunts) even the Russian kings were like 'Dudes don't kill my fucking BISON' then the first world war came and the bison got royally screwed over,
after which some clever bloke decided to pool together the remaining captive bison to start a new population (this consisted of 12 individuals).
In the second world war even Hitler protected the remaining Bison and even killed 3 of his own soldiers because they killed one, that's right even Hitler stuck up for bison, the fucking nazi chief stuck up for them (and he hated everything!, That's how cool they are, you can't say that about most animals!

Nowadays there are about 1800 in the wild but they arn't the happiest bunnies ever they all get STI's because their genetics are all crap, so they all have cock rot and so breeding isn't the easiest thing in the world...

But hey id Rather have a European Bison any day!

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