The best thing you will ever see. period

1. the subject matter is awesome
2. The song is AWESOME
3. ITS AWESOME
courtesy of joe russell 

A brief history of my day

Facebook gems

I'm addicted to and hate facebook as much as the average person (massively) and generally it bores the crap out of me.
However, there are some brilliant things that do come of it, unlimited space for pictures that you want to share (if you can be bothered to wait for 15 minutes to get an error message) however today my highlights have been Fraping my brother...

note: Although its fairly entertaining actually commiting such a crime, the real joy is watching people comment on it as if he would really write such a status, this is why you have to be creative and stay away from the obvious (all be it tempting) 'is gay' or 'cannot believe i fit that in my bum' comments. Its got to seem real but still be somewhat undesirable. I could of made him fans of numerous homosexual/neonazi/justin beiber groups but it seemed far too easy...

The second thing i love is the Manatees group, the owners of which are hillarious, unlike all the other conservation based groups, these guys (i assume they are male) have taken something cool and made it awesome through the use of adult themes and the creation of earth hating, self absorbed egotistical anthropomorphized mammals.

Fucking brilliant:D and this is a relatively tame status for the manatee group. I just love the mental image this group gives of a 1930's mob comprised of manatees plotting dominion of the world

A Case For Manbags

Right this is my manbag

I love this thing, i've had it for nearly 5 months now and i think its awesome and i barely leave home without it. My mate joe always takes the piss but today i proved to my self how awesome it is.

Today i deceded to meet joe down town and have tea, mainly because last time we went to the pub he got so drunk that he couldn't move into his uni house the next day, so had to wait a week for his next lift,

and as he is meant to be moving in tomorow i thought we better not temp fate.

Any how after we had drinks searched for a wallet (a hunt from which we returned fruitless from) and i met someone from school who i had no idea who they were (although he seemed to know me and his mum was there so i thought i'd better be polite) we went our seperate ways.

It was at this point that i thought id take advantage of being and town and pick up some wood stain as im slowly redecorating my room, so picked up a tin (£11!) and a sheet for my bed (as mine are all covered with paint).

It wasn't untill i had walked to my bike (i am poor and ill-educated in the car driving department) that i realised my fatal mistake- I WAS MAN BAGLESS!

this meant cycling up a beast of a hill with a fairly heavy carrier bag on my bike 'fuck it' my inferior mind scorned- like a fool.

Basically it was like riding an indecicive epileptic, my bike went where ever it bloody well wanted  and when struggling up a hill like the little train that could 'I think I can, I think I can' I puffed on. Little to my knowledge both my bike and the carrier bag holding my precious cargo had began to conspire against me.

Nearly at the top of the hill, just as i had managed to get used to having a pendulous weight on on one side of my bike - it happened.

Unbenound to me the carrier bag had decided to rub on the front wheel, in doing so making a hole that grew gradually- a fact that I was oblivious to as i fought against my seemingly skitzophenic transport.  Then at the critical point ejecting said tin of woodstain where it collided into my bike splitting open, spraying my lowerhalf of my body (and bike) with surprising effecency, before hitting the ground and sharing the rest of its contents with the public like a renegade streaker...

So in one swift move i lost an £11 can of wood stain, ripped open the bag holding my stuff (hoodie and sheet), wrecked one of the 2 pairs of jeans i have, fucked up my indesructable shoes and nearly catapulted my self in front of some substandard car make. Fuck

My point is that my man bag, if i hadn't dismissed it before i left, would of saved me money, embarrassment and a near death experience. Whilst making me unresistable to any of the opposite gender in the vicinity.

Reasons why ManBags are AWESOME

1. Indiana Jones has one

2.Where ever i go, what ever im doing i will always have a pack of dinosaur playing cards with me: and a book, and deoderant, crumbs, paper and a pen

3. If i take off my jacket/hoodie I dont have to carry it, or tie it round my waist like a dick

And I'm instantly cooler, infact if i was being nice i could also carry other peoples things

4. Cloak rooms cost less

 you, and at least one other mate can stick 3 things for the price of one

5.Buying something doesn't result in near death circumstances

 See above

6. A Weapon -

pick up a brick and effectively you have a mace

7. You always have your camera, phone, wallet and keys on you
 unless you takei out of your manbag and loose them...

8.You look like some kind of sexy sexy sex god (obviously)
 (My mum said so)

9. A conversation starter :

Wow the sexy sexy manbag makes you look fanbloodytastic- where i can get one?

    Many retail outlets supply them for example...

10. They are perfect for aquiring crockery and cutlery from resturants and other eating establishments
I aquired a gold spoon last week A GOLD SPOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! and i so could of got one of those starbucks mugs today... if you are going to charge me £1.50 for tea I expect a free mug!

And no im not a theif, but like they say 'you can take the student out of the university, but you cant take the university out of the student'. Once you have eaten pancake mix powder for a meal (i ran out of milk to make it), or eaten pizza that you got out of the bin, stealing cutlery is no longer beneath you. Trust Me!

Back in 'The DAY'

went into town today, did some charity shop snooping, looking for halloween costume ideas... nothing appeared to spark my interest. This was untill i went into the sweet shop and invested in.. none other than FIZZ WIZ POPPING CANDY!

Got home and shovelled this stuff in my mouth, it's like crack for kids and recovering adults... and then it began to pop, and that must be the trippiest thing ive done all year, i  was almost slightly unnerved, every mature fibre in my body was asking 'what the fuck is this stuff?' whilst my inner 5 year old was giggling and pretending the stck in his hand was a machine gun popping off veloceraptors on ski's.
I now have the an uncontrollable urge to draw with crayons, well apart from the white one. Obviously.
Also when was Fizz Wizz ever strawberry flavour? ive never noticed that - ever! Not that  it tastes like strawberry of course, all i could taste was AWESOME!
i also grabbed a bag of orange sherbert for under a quid, and im sitting here tripping off of it (i basically just downed the whole bag like a god). and you know wat?

I've never been happier :D

also why do my mums home made tomatoes look a little like brains when i cut them open?

And why has a ton of astroturf appeared in my porch?

speaking of randomly dumped crap, i went  to the dump today, man that place has gone down hill, when i was little a trip was an exciting affair, more often than not you would come back with more stuff than you went with, pirates buried treasure there, and im pretty sure Indiana jones went there to pick op the occassional item, but now its all...organised. Its like a giant filing cabinet of crap, you can't go digging for gold either, the men in high viz's shout at you 'excuse me sir- you are not allowed in the containers' and theres me wondering why you would put stairs up then... now it seems all the cool stuff is on ebay and the 'Man' has made dumps less exciting then they used to be. no wonder kid's dont behave these days- they have nothing to look forward to...

Everybody needs a Harvey

this is quite possibly the best advert I've seen in age's, how fitting that it's for an advertising company!

I thought they were 24 hours?

i like this :D especially the reflection :D
Source gamovr

More things out to get me...

First the sewing Machine, then i saw this little lady bopping along the floor...

and i thought... that looks a bit Widowy to me, had a further little peek...

im pretty darn sure this is a false widow, Im not a massive spider boff (mantids are my forte) but i have an intermediate knowledge of them and have a rough idea of types.
So had a little gander on the web to see if there were any other species that looked similar. I at this point say that false widow spiders are Britains most venomous spider although there are 3 species that look very similar with only 1 being any threat.
 Steatoda nobilis is the nasty one that is to have reportedly of originated from the canary islands, and has been cotching down south (like the stick insects) for around 100 of years now, but due to warmer summers they have come alot more south and people have started running around screaming and making babies cry and the tabloids to go mental (as per usual) 

"False widow spider bite reports include symptoms such as chest pains, swelling and tingling of fingers."

This one however seems to be a similar species called Steatoda grossa judging by the semi circle abdominal markings, so my slight alarm as it ran under the sofa was in vain *phew*

"Their bites are known to cause pain and discomfort for a small portion of the population, however for most people, their bite produces no side effects"

so its only an issue if you are allegic, to be fair, even if you are bitten by a real widow (Latrodectus sp.) even untreated you still only have a 1 in 8 chance of dying unless you are old or really small

in other news, the post man came and delivered this...

Oh yes! 16 Kg of dead chicks my mum ordered for the harris hawk, in the freezer. That goes next to his dead rabbits, the bread rolls and ready meals. a popular game in my house is making unsuspecting guests get things from the death freezer-thats always guarented a laugh! although to be fair the first time i saw the rabbit foot poking out of the freezer as i rummaged for some burgers, i thought a cat had fallen in and died (its a massive chest freezer-no mammory jokes please:D ) and THAT scared the bloody shit out of me.
Its weird really i can deal with a box of hundreds of dead chicks, but not a frozen cat. Figures

Sources: greennature and Natural History Museum

Vintage Mechanics

Ok our family has been in the possesion of an epic looking vintage sewing machine for some time, from what i understand its a singer 99k and its from the 40's/50's , needless to say it looks gorgeous. This item stem's from my grandads need to hoard old things that are made of metal and look nice (he is an engineer by trade) and fixed up this beaut and gave it to mum for nearly a year now it has been hidden within the depths of the 'crap room'. However, he recently came down and made sure it works, and now from the corner of the room it has been taunting me.

 I have always wanted a sewing machine, but always assumed i'd have a £100 plastic monstrosity that has more stitches than a trainee athlete and would come with CD roms that teach you everything from scratch, instead i get a manualless lump of cast iron with teeth in.
If anyone asked, i'd say i was afraid that i would break it, but i know full well that even if i lobbed this thing out of a first floor window, it would brush itself off, ask for a new needle and continue working as normal. Vintage things were made to last, and thats why there are so many of them today, and i know for a fact that this thing is more likely to chew my hand off then i am to to break it, i think the most fragile thing on it is the plug...

i mean look at the bottom of this thing... it's double hard

it would look right at home in a butcher shop im sure...

In essence i am terrified of it.

The thing is this it is taunting me-  'use me' it whispers as im making my toast 'we can make beautiful things together' it suggestively hisses, and with halloween coming up soon, a sewing machine would be more than usefull.

I think i need to man up, invest in some needles and bobbins and have a play, i managed to download the origional manual for it today, but the diagrams would look at home on the kypton factor, with statements such as 'lower the feed loop (item 3)' and then giving a diagramatic representation  comparable to where's wally...*sigh*

i mean seriously, what the hell is that?

and still it sits there cackling, openly mocking me

soon my pretty.

Soon

A sad fact of life...

see more Funny Graphs

:( true though
Source: Graphjam

Roll Tops

i want a roll top desk, they are so practical and beautiful at the same time, stashed with drawers and hidden compartments, and the top rolls down! i found this little beut on ebay it still has 9 days on the clock but if its cheap i'll pick it up :D

all it needs is a bit of a spruce and it would be perfect! need to see if it will actually fit in my room ...
but i do need to save the money...
DAMN YOU TEMPTATION!
Source:Ebay :D

The Second Surprise of the Day

This came home with my darling mother...
she gets massive brownie points

I love how terrified he looks 'AAAARRRRGGGHHHHH'
aparently mum went to a conference meeting thing and they all had one of these to eat, when i run a business these will be served at meetings!

The Curious Incident of the Toad and the Grow Bag

so im chilling on the sofa, posting stuff on facebook ect ect, when my brother comes flailing his arms and legs shouting 'there's a toad in the conservatory!!!!'
'heh- toad' i thought , i have never seen a real toad in the wild, they have always been misslabled frogs, so i sauntered out into the conservatory, and there it was, chilling in the tomato plants grow bags (my mum has a fetish for tomato plants and so from sept-nov we have infinite amounts of them to eat)

and here he is in all his glory , he puffed himself out a bit because that makes him terrifying :D

he is a fine specimin of the european toad (Bufo bufo) and has almost definately been eating the slugs in the conservatory ...(my mum shall be pleased) apparently, like hedgehogs they are not found in ireland as they never made the crossing before the land masses divided.

Thank you Simon the Toad, you have made my day :D

Denmark

Well i went to Denmark for a week , it renewed my soul and made my girlfreind very happy indeed, Denmark is basicly just england, with just as much English spoken as there is Danish (probably) and less rivers (100% less rivers infact)
Here are a few things i like about Denmark...
1. There is 1 play park for every 4 people (it seems)- and im not talking about some crappy slide or worn out rope swing, im talking META-play parks, i would live in these things... i mean this is opposite anna's mums house...

and is massive! 2 adults (one of which may or may not of been me) got lost in that thing

2. Double Decker Trains...
how is that not awesome?

3) Everywhere takes cards,
they dont charge, or have minimum amounts you have to pay, honest to god we used a card at a hotdog vendor, why the hell cant our country be like this, i hate having to scrabble around for change for a sodding coke!

4) Chocolate milk in cans

Im english so even chocolate milk on its own is a novelty, but in a can? thats badman!

5) UNCOMFORTABLE AMOUNTS OF PORK!

every single night for a week I,  in some guise or another consumed a part of a pig, there was epic man bacon, bacon thats like an inch thick and comes in man size packs of several hundred slices, sausages, pork chops, hotdogs, pork filled birthday cakes the lot, and my stomach has never been happier, i am now, however now comprised of 32% pork :D nice

A polite Spammer

spam aggrevates everybody, but if more spammers were like this, maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

What a polite man, simple quick and curtious, we need more pervets people like this in the world he even apologises, no thank you jake clark, i have my own penis thank you  :D
Also im off to denmark, the land of bacon and my girlfriends parents :D nice